I'm a big fan of Robert Cialdini. The work and research he has provided over the years on the subject of influence is simply powerful. If you haven't read his book(s) and articles, I encourage you to do so.

In particular I appreciate his healthy approach and how he points out the vast number of manipulative techniques that are more or less consciously applied "out there". It was Dale Carnegie, who in his book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" said: "A person persuaded against his will is of the same opinion still." If you combine this basic principle with the body of knowledge we have today on manipulation, it's obvious that complex and large account sales especially needs to be CLEAN. Manipulation always backfires!

What's interesting is this; most account and sales managers today know that manipulation only hurts us in the long run. However, if our deepest belief patterns and habits render us inclined to exercise control or dominion over others, it will - in business also - surface in what we do and how we say things.

The scary thing is, to a certain extent, we're all at times tempted to use force or some kind of coercion to obtain our goals and objectives. You're saying: Really??! How? Let me give you just a few examples, and then maybe you're able to spot misbehavior in these or similar examples you yourself are able to produce - from your most personal life and circumstances:

• What's my behavior like when driving a car and being late for an important meeting?
• When my children won't listen, how do I respond to their rebellious behavior?
• How do I behave and how do I phrase my sentences when in a middle of an argument with my spouse?
• How do I treat my subordinates or those I lead? How do I phrase my "orders"?
• What feedback would my colleagues give me if they read this blog post?
• How do I react when someone expresses frustration about someone I too have a strong dislike towards?
• How do I handle someone that pushes me for honesty about something I'd rather keep to myself?

Once we begin to see our own misbehavior and how we're suffering from manipulation in almost every respect of our lives, it naturally becomes of interest to find out what manipulation really is. Also, how can I become a master of clean influence? That, I will share more about in my next post ;-)

We ought to have a serious problem with anyone that promotes a product or service they wouldn't buy and use themselves.

Nothing new about that, but that's not all. We should also be concerned about anyone that doesn't first sell to their best friends and family, and equally important, whether or not they have indeed succeeded in selling to someone close and personal. Why? Because it proves whether or not the individual really believes in the value of their offering. When someone with an in-depth knowledge of a product or service is willing to risk valuable friendships and relationships this becomes a solid indication of product value.

Here's an example to illustrate what I mean:

A number of years ago, when I was working for X, I asked myself if I would sell X to my parents, brothers and sisters or friends. The answer came out very clearly: Definitely not! By nature, this reply would have made me quit right away. I don't think anyone should promote anything they do not wholeheartedly support and passionately believe in. Then why did I remain with the company? The reason was obvious. If my parents, my siblings or friends would have been professional buyers with specific high-performance information needs, I would have encouraged them to buy X products and services - at the time.

However, when I had been in X for approximately two years I made a significant discovery that made me change my mind after all. Like I said previously, the belief in a product or service is not only tied to whether it's "good", but also if the price reflects the value of it. Of course, value is relative, and price should actually fluctuate according to the dollar's worth of what the solution provides... but let me briefly share what happened: I was selling an X licensed database to my brother-in-law. At the point when we were about to sign the contract I found myself giving him a smarter and cheaper license than what I normally would do. Why would I do such a thing, I thought? The answer gave me a shock I'll never forget: Because I didn't believe the solution was worth that much money. Being in conflict with my own integrity I realized I had to either negotiate better prices for my accounts and/or improve the quality and value of each solution.

I could go on and tell you how I soon after switched both company and role, but the main principle should be clear: "Only sell quality and value you yourself would buy. Never ask for a signature on a contract you yourself wouldn't sign".

When instructing top sales people on how to sell more, I always begin by introducing them to the Operational dialog. This type of interaction involves everything from product development and change management to internal training and internal and external marketing. Sales people sometimes ask why this is important to "selling extremely well - it's not directly sales related". My reply is that it is! Bottom line: We need to bring ourselves in the situation where we offer our clients something we are passionate about. If we don't, it's time to improve what we have or quit doing it. And, yes, sometimes it's a process. That process is the Operational dialog.

Before wrapping up, I'd like to just add one little piece of information. A few years later I came to learn about the values behind Open Source, open architecture and open standards. This too dramatically filtered out the type of companies I'm willing to help and support. Today I'm part of a team that really appreciates the Operational dialog. It's a true adventure and a wonderful experience to be working with passion, not just on my own, but with others. That's energy for ya'.

The hardest, most demanding "customer" to please and to satisfy has got to be those with whom we have the closest relationship, don't you think? Family; a brother, a sister, a spouse, a child or even a best friend. Only at this level can we really tell what kind of quality (sales) people we are. It's how we treat the individuals inside "our most private circles" that reveals who we truly are - and it can hurt at times!

Why is this? How come? There probably are a number of reasons why very close relationships are a hard sell.

One reason could be how our most private life reveals "vulnerability and weakness". Everyone has a bit of pride - deep inside - that somehow seeks to protect our total defeat or feeling of complete surrender. When our most tender faculties are exposed we feel a powerful urge to defend ourselves. When someone comes close enough we feel attacked and are often inclined to fight back with irrational behavior based on feelings and emotions. Ironically, this in turn only confirms our weakness and increases frustration.

Another reason why selling to family or friends can be hard is how sooner or later everyone - even the most perceived professional - is inconsistent in behavior patterns. When what we say is not in line with what we do, we automatically lose respect in the eyes of those around us. Close relationships experience this on a regular basis. This lack of respect causes words to lose power and influence, because words are only a function of feelings.

Still, more important than "why" is "what". It's true, it can be harder to please or sell to family or friends, depending on our true long term character. What's more important is what can we do to make the switch? How can we make a "sale" to the people with whom we have our most meaningful relationships?

Well, the secret is of course this: The toughest sale is potentially the BEST sale!

If we could, we should seek to make every contact and call a personal and meaningful relationship. Some people will respond to this by saying: "I make a clear distinction between professional and personal or private life". WRONG!

WHAT??! What does this mean?

Let me suggest what it could mean, and then you tell me what you think such a statement might imply: When all is said and done, basically what this boils down to is... "I cannot afford to open up to business contacts like I do with family and friends, because if I do they'll find I'm not only full of mistakes and lose respect for me, but they'll also discover how insincere I am by how I'm unwilling to work on my character, mistakes and weaknesses to make the needed changes".

Let me share one of my own deep flaws to illustrate:

I used to blame my parents for regularly being late when promising to pick me up as a young boy. The other day my wife called me and asked me whether I could pick up one of our oldest children after art class. I said I would, and then she added a warning: "Vidar, I was asked whether someone else than dad could do it, because he's always late". Ah! That stung so bad and so deep in my chest. So unfair, I thought. I've made EVERY possible effort to ALWAYS be on time. It stayed with me the rest of the day. That bitter feeling would not go. Then, an hour before I was to fulfill my important dead-on-time-appointment, I suddenly made a great discovery... I knew I had been a few minutes late the last two pick-ups. Even though with good reason, of course my behavior had been generalized and not forgotten. All the other times, when I had been on time, these times were all taken for granted. Of course that was unfair, but here's what I discovered: I had done the same thing with my own parents. Suddenly I was able to remember all the "forgotten times" when mum and dad had picked me up ON TIME. My heart sank and instantly changed from being judgmental to thankful for the wonderful patient parents I have - who were on time. Bitterness was gone.

How do you think I approached my child that evening? 'nough said - it was a great experience and a perfect "sell". However, more important than everything else - as a father (read: e.g. vendor) - I am more committed than EVER to deliver according to contract with regards to all my children.

I was speaking with my daughter the other day about how our thoughts automatically appear in our face. When we think good thoughts a pleasant and happy appearance naturally surfaces. If we think bad thoughts, they too are mirrored in our countenance. You may think it's "childish doctrine", but it's simple and a plain fact.

This basic principle holds true and carries weight and value in so many settings - one of which is communication. When we are sincere, it shows in our face. When we have passion, it reveals itself. When we get emotional, is shines through. What a great human trait this is. We can read each other in many ways, but most of all in our facial expressions, and above all by looking each other in the eye. It's as if the eyes are the soul at public display. Ouff! Great and dreadful, all at once. Scary in one way, because it exposes us as to who we really are. Exciting in that we can "read" and learn the true character of others.

I love the exercise of just observing other people during conversations - not too intensely, because that easily creates awkward feelings - but being very aware of the way we reveal ourselves through that most unique window - our eyes - to the outside world.

Consistent behavior over time will reveal our thoughts, our words, our action, our habits - our lifestyle. Everything is recorded and shows over time. Today, when you're interacting with others, try to perceive what maybe slipped your observations in the past. Look people in the eye. You'll see who they really are, because the eyes have it, and the eyes are what makes all the difference.

Do we have trouble looking people straight in the eye?

A number of years ago I was in charge of selling a major IT solution to an important account. Every person involved on the customer side was in favor of our solution. Even board members were completely sold on what we had to offer. When the decision was to be made I was surprised by a new-hire that was assigned the role of decision maker. His mission and purpose was to make sure everyone could feel his power and authority. As a result his best option was to oppose what everyone wanted and opt for a competing solution. Reason and logic was thrown out the window. The chosen solution became a tool to reach other objectives than what the solution was meant to do for the organization. From this I learned an important lesson:

The decision maker is king and ultimately the only person whose feelings really matter. However, every so often the decision maker is not the one with the strongest energy tied to the final outcome. If we want to win business we need to know who has the most feelings tied to what is going to happen as a result of what we offer. This will point out which one of the stakeholders is most effective in affecting the outcome.

Even the most complex sales are about the feelings of the individual. Every decision is the sum of all feelings in an account. All people with influence on the end result will have a private agenda. That private agenda is subjective, and the subjective view of each person is tied to feelings. Let no one tell you anything else. If every person that's involved in the decision feels good about what you're proposing, then you can forget about the rational and objective reasons working against you.

Feelings always precede commitment. In complex sales every contract is the result of a shared commitment signed by the decision maker. To get to this commitment one type of balance is critical, and it's a balance that is superior to everything we do in sales - always - the balance of sensitivity and energy.

Sensitivity is 50% of who we are in communication. It's about being aware of energy. It's about being a receiver of energy. It's the filter through which we pick up and perceive information.

Energy is the other 50% of who we are in communication. It's about needing and looking for sensitivity. It's about finding a receiver of energy. It's information and the driver of information itself that always penetrates depending on the sensitivity of the receiver.

We need both. How these need to be balanced is what I'll share next time ;-)

One of the three most powerful ways in which we can influence others is by linking our product or service to a) the individual purpose or agenda, b) the values and/or c) the deepest desires of the decision maker and stakeholders (in an account). In 3E we've called this "Subjective Linkage". If you're in sales you've probably heard it all before. However, if you study the details of advice given to this challenging - very difficult - task, there is ALWAYS little substance to it. Why? Very few people actually do this!

It's so interesting, you know... The last 30 years of research within sales, influence and psychology has pretty much pointed out everything needed to win contracts - BUT - when asked HOW, the answers get very long and blurry. Right here in this blog post I'm going to give you a clear solution to the task just mentioned in bold print above. Then, if you've really tried this in real life you know how hard it is, and you'll also appreciate my specific reply. (If you're not emotionally touched after reading this blog, then you've probably never struggled with Subjective Linkage in the first place). Let me illustrate with a personal experience:

Not long ago my son and daughter were in some kind of quarrel. I heard one of them screaming from downstairs, clearly as a result of some physical contact. I immediately called for the eldest. When she came up she may have expected me to hold her responsible for whatever the problem was. In stead I asked her, with a friendly smile on my face: "So what's he doing this time (surrendering my complete trust in her agenda, values and sincere desires for good)!" Instantly she looked relieved and had an emotional outburst revealing her inner feelings and frustrations. (If I had scolded her, she would have remained without an open display of feelings.) What came out was of course her "complete innocence", and also how she had honestly tried to solve the bickering how she thought it should be done. I followed up with a hug and a few tears in their behalf, telling her how I too make mistakes as a husband and father. There was no longer any risk in sharing true feelings - bitterness quickly began to dissolve. Then I called for our son to come upstairs, too. I left them speaking alone and soon the problem was solved and forgotten.

This is a practical example of Subjective Linkage - both between my daughter and me, and between my two children.

Here's what needs to be done: When we meet with people, our main purpose should always be to make a real and worthwhile connection. The other person is ALWAYS what's most valuable at any given time! The connection is the highest and greatest compliment we can possibly give. This can be done in many ways, but regardless of how, we need to get personal. The only way to be personal is to at some point or another reveal how we're human and vulnerable and to invite others to do the same.

I deeply believe that each of us has the quality to find for ourselves how this can be done best. This is why 3E focuses on the principles of a connection giving guidance to how we use our personal talent and abilities to make it. The key issue is, once you've established a connection, it's possible to tap into the personal life and agenda of others and it becomes natural to do so. THEN we can establish Subjective Linkage.

I was in a meeting today where it came out so clearly; a lot of sales people simply lack insight into basic psychological principles. It sometimes makes me a little sad. I'm NOT saying I do everything the right way. Far from it! But because I want to "help the world", I thought I'd paste an extract from the introductory pages of my book "The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" (abbreviated 3E) here in the 3E blog. Please, tell me what you think about it. Here it is:

There are a lot of uncovered dynamics within sales, that traditionally only psychology has been preoccupied with. The sometimes artificial separation between the subjects of 'sales' and 'psychology' has kept sales people from obtaining relevant understanding of how communication really works. Sadly, sales people invest relatively little time into building a long term education through reading. Rather, they tend to focus on short term revenue generating activities and building relationships with their clients. Thus they rarely learn to appreciate and acquire deeper insight into the areas that are of far greater importance than what sales literature currently centers on. Today's literature and consequently 'sales training" is often poor and falls short of the deeper aspects of what selling is really all about. As a result the soft approach so much needed to become an outstanding (read: compassionate and human) salesman or woman is too rare! Instead business tends to be cynical and without a sense of human empathy, or to put it boldly, without love. Yes, what customers need most is in fact love and appreciation - or to further emphasize - attention from someone who cares on a personal level, beyond business only.

[...'Love', however, is but a small part of the second type of energy called 'connection'. With a bit of wit and rhyme we could say: "It's in the air when you care" (see chapter 3)...]

...effective sales and influence is all about energy. Like anything else in life - reaching out to others. It's not about quotes, closing, pipelines, PMA, a good pitch, super duper questions or all the stuff we so often hear about or spend our time doing. Yes, of course these habitual skills are critical, but still merely secondary compared to the innermost core of human interaction we call sales. If, however, we were compelled to highlight the nucleus only, clearly energy is among the absolute essential elements of sales success. In fact, once you've finished reading this book maybe you will have discovered that energy, the way it is defined here, is what selling indeed is all about. Energy is at the very heart of sales and sales success.

This is merely an extract. If, however, you would like to read more sample pages from 3E, then take a look here (demands that you register for a free log in on our site).

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Don't you think it's strange? During all my training received as a sales professional, not once did anyone teach me anything about ethics or morals, about being honest and true. Maybe I should be led to believe it was always assumed that I am?

I've known so many sales people with inconsistent behavior - I've witnessed so many sad stories of colleagues that made budgets and won battles but lost the war. Too many do not know why and how one should apply basic principles to build long lasting results.

I've always been puzzled by the fact that sales models, programs and blueprints never could "fix" a person's value system. Whereas to me, every new theory and model reinforces the relevance of integrity, some of my peers seem to be more focused on discovering "how to more effectively trick others into another purchasing trap". Maybe that's putting it a little too bluntly, but the underlying concept is the same - "how to make others do what you want them to do".

Wouldn't it be great with a new pair of "sales spectacles" that gives every sales model a healthy perspective in the mind of a sales person? Well, I've worked at it for 7 years now, and do you know what I find? Ground breaking principles and discoveries, but most of all more questions, fewer answers and to make it worse - a stronger desire than ever to figure it out ;-) Help me, would you?

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I have so much to learn, and especially when I'm with others I find this reinforced time and time again. How easy it is to just make a slip of the tongue and blow what you've spent hours and weeks - even years - to build.

A good friend of mine said it so well: "It's like growing flowers, but every once in a while you decide to take a few steps in the flowerbed and walk around." Everyone knows flowers don't grow well if you step on 'em. Yet, we decide to step on others even more than just once or twice, and without blinking our eyes.

Of course, the social world of mutual relationships is a lot more subtle - and controlling our feet is probably a lot easier than taking charge of our mouth. But what is it that makes it so hard? Why is communication so extremely challenging?

Maybe it is because our mind and mental capacity is so much bigger than what words alone can express? When we're together with other people, the message we communicate is not in words alone. We know that! Some people say it's "body language", but I doubt that's even sufficient. There's much more to it. I call it energy. What would you call it?

In spite of the fact that no one is perfect, I still believe in the "perfect sale". And somehow that perfect sale has an almost indescribable energy to it, that I feel needs to be defined.

Actually, I believe I've been there many times. Not because I'm good at selling, not because the customer wants to accommodate me and also NOT because the product or service was perfect. What is it that brought us to that magic moment?

...and why should we care? Well. Imagine if we could apply the same principles - the same sweat and tears - in all settings. What if we could raise our marriage to new levels, family relationships, friends... every meaningful relationship. What if we discovered new powerful ways to tap into each others brains and emotions? That would really be something!

Every time I experience good communication I feel that desire for more. Do you know what I mean?