Helping to ask WHY is key --ultimately the only way-- to seriously motivating people. When we help people ask WHY-questions they will inevitably be inspired to self driven action. But asking WHY can also hurt, in fact, if we're not careful WHY may be counterproductive and do a lot of damage.

The natural tendency for any parent, spouse, manager, colleague or coach is to ask WHY when something goes wrong. The "WHY did you...? approach" can be counterproductive when coming from another person in retrospect. WHY seldom rectifies the wrong when filled with blame and guilt. We drive the other person into a defensive mode. Just think about it... When we make a mistake, most of the time it's hard to explain WHY we made a bad choice, and it certainly isn't fun to elaborate on stupid mistakes. While the other person is on the defence - shutting out external influence - we tend to respond by attacking the behavior. In other words, when we sense that WHY fails we quickly move into giving advice by telling the other person WHAT he or she should have been doing.

I see people doing this all the time. Let's be clear. It doesn't work.

Lesson # 1: How we tend to fail

When someone is to blame we tend to "ask WHY and tell WHAT".

Lesson # 2: How we can succeed

To inspire others to change we should "ask WHAT and discuss WHY".

By making a fairly simple switch from the ineffective "asking WHY and telling WHAT" to the effective "asking WHAT and discussing WHY" we make a meaningful difference in the lives of others. We get rid of blaming and fighting. Instead we introduce fruitful discussion. Just try it out. You'll quickly discover the positive effect it has!

									Asking WHAT means we establish objectively the things that went wrong. Once we've agreed what went wrong, then discussing WHY will be an opportunity to appreciate new and mutual learning. Suddenly asking WHY becomes positive and has meaning. It becomes a solution to problems to prevent them from happening again. It points the way to a brighter future and instills hope - it makes passion grow - makes mission become clear. WHY is the beginning of everything!

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If you ever had the ambition of becoming an expert in sales or any area of persuasive communication you will need to help your team or organization address the most basic questions.

...and most of all, you need to ask these questions yourself.

The questions you need to ask yourself as well as instill in others are WHY, WHAT, WHO and HOW - and in that order. They in turn, give us the structure of the entire subject of sales or selling activity. No more do you need to look for a complete overview of what selling is all about.

Albert Mehrabian's well-known research (1971) gave an indication of the relative importance of verbal, vocal and visual messages. What other factors are at play when seeking to influence the final outcome of an important decision?

Verbal, vocal and visual messages are all part of the Optimal Dialog. This dialog represents the peak and crowning frontline of communication.   However, underneath this top layer we find two equally important areas of influence. These two layers precede the Optimal Dialog in order. How?

Red

The bottom layer in red represents the Operational Dialog. It deals with strategy and position. For instance, a clear purpose and strong position affects your attitude and perception of the world around you.

Blue

In turn, position gives relationships meaning and power, which is the second and blue layer. The Opinional Dialog is where feelings can be shared without risk and restrictions.

Green

Likewise, only when position and relationships are in place will the technicalities of the top layer - the Optimal Dialog - really have the desired effect.

To get results

Most sales training aims at the top level of the influence pyramid. In other words, people receive their training without even a basic understanding of the power behind the two preceding layers. Our training and research seems to support a) the importance of paying equal attention to each layer and b) that traditional training only works when done in this order.

Influence is mastering communication on all three levels. That's why most sales training frequently has little effect on performance and results.

It's not really a big secret. I've seen people work a lot harder for a little recognition than for bonuses and money. And get this, money doesn't always motivate, but recognition - when given the right way - is a sure winner. On a scale from 1 to 10, recognition may not be a 10, but it clearly scores higher and more accurately than monetary rewards. Where does that leave us?

Last week I asked: Is recognition from others important? The poll quickly returned 43 responses, giving us the following statistics:

The outcome was in fact highly predictable. In round numbers, only 13% believe it's "not critical" and 4% believe it's "not important". However, I was anxious to know more about the group of people who believe recognition does matter. What I wanted to test was: How many are maybe "cynically" inclined to consider recognition as merely a tool to increase performance, getting what they want from others..? as opposed to, how many actually acknowledge our deep need for recognition as humans?

Recognition is not just what you say

Recognition only comes across when it's sincere - everybody knows that - quite intuitively so. When trust is low, talk's cheap. What you say has no real power. However, what logically follows, most people tend to forget; recognition is not so much what you say, but ten times doubly more so what you behave. And what messages do we pass on through our behavior? You're right again - it's emotional - what we truly feel inside is what comes across. What does this mean?

Recognition is not how they feel, but how you feel

It means, when we feel good about someone, we automatically behave in such a way that those positive feelings are conveyed to that other person. Whatever you decide to call it - body language, atmosphere, chemistry... The question isn't "how can I help that other person feel good about him or herself". It's completely the other way around: "How can I feel good about that person, in such a way that I will communicate on the subliminal level messages that support what that person already perceives about him or herself; that he or she is a valuable person with great talents and abilities"? In short, how can I work with my own feelings to be filled with postive emotions toward that particular person?

Recognition strikes when it underscores a positive self image

To obtain such a required change (and really - it's the only way), we need to be sensitive to how the other person perceives him or herself - to see and understand their world. It's not logical, it's psychological. We need to interpret people more correctly, i.e. see their behavior and performance from their point of view.

You see, that's what recognition is. Recognition is not you telling them something they didn't know. No, recognition is finding in others what they long before recognized about themselves already. That need to be recognized by someone else for who they believe they are and what they are truly capable of is the reassurance they seek in others to prove to themselves that they were right about "the I am" all along. All people have kind of an internal struggle and conversation going on inside, saying "I'm good, I'm great, I can do this..." When their surroundings agree with what they believe about themselves, then it must be true... and behavior to prove it follows. That's when recognition hits home; when people not only pick up your positive message, but when they actually believe in it themselves.

We need to help answer the deepest questions that are most important to people: Whether they matter, whether or not they are important and give them reassurance that they are valuable, that they have purpose and that they can make a difference. If you do that, then people will love and respect you. That's when you release energy in such a way that performance outperforms what the critics thought was impossible.

My hope is that managers and leaders of businesses will not only artificially supply their employees and colleagues with insincere compliments, but that they will understand the deep needs that they can fulfill in others. Recognition is not just a compliment - recognition not only can make a big difference in performance. Recognition can make a difference for life!

...or better yet: How important is it to be recognized by someone senior to yourself? It could be your parents, your boss, someone you admire, a renowned expert, in the media, on the web or simply by a crowd of people that knows who you are and with whom you spend much of your time?

That's what this quick poll is about. Provided you're a LinkedIn user already, this will only take three clicks to respond to.

See what others have said about the importance of recognition and check if your respons is in line with the majority of people "out there".

I can tell you what your problem is...

Whatever challenge you face, it begins and ends with your degree of influence. When you fail it is because you are not quite as influential as you need to be. On the other hand, when you succeed it is because you exercised influence to such a degree that things fell into place. There's really nothing more to be said. Influence is what it's all about!

So what is influence and how do you get it, or rather, how do you exercise and increase it?

Of course, there's no simple answer to this paramount question. Yet, there is a lot be learned and when we understand some basic principles, influence may dramatically increase and help us accomplish great results. First, it's important to see how influence operates on three levels:

1. Personal
   • Personal influence (i.e. productive ability) results in private victories.
2. Interpersonal
   • Interpersonal influence (i.e. persuasive ability) results in public victories.
3. Intergenerational (or systematical)
   • Intergenerational influence (i.e. sensitive ability) results in historic and permanent victories (breaking with old patterns.)

										The ultimate kind of influence seems to be somehow evidenced by "an improvement in the subsequent generation(s)".   Consider for a moment people who have changed the course of history. Whereas not all of them left a name and fame for good, we may learn significant lessons from what they did. Two characteristics stand out:
Chores: Washing the car or affecting a clean mind?

1) We usually tend to quite easily class them as either heroes or traitors. 2) Not all heroes are recognized by the masses, but they each have a faithful following.

Lessons to be learned..? All influence represents the sowing of a seed and eventually the fruits are judged by those who witness them as either good or bad. Also, not all good influence is recognized by many, but they always affect a growing awareness by those who enjoy the fruits.

Note: If intergenerational influence, the highest form of influence, is anything remotely close to success - the real and lasting success of life - then success may not be what you initially think it is.

For this reason we provide our fast growing community with an understanding of the 3 Energies to:

• help you more successfully reach others with a message
  ...when selling, influencing, negotiating, mediating, counseling - in short, effective influence in every setting.

• avoid quick-fix techniques and manipulation
  Since it's possible and tempting to abuse (persuasive) power we help influential people to understand that true and lasting - long term - persuasion, indeed conviction, is dependent on applying correct principles.

• bring structure to all existing sales models and theories to get to action
  Thousands of books and hundreds of sales models can each increase performance, but with the big picture in place we visualize and clarify actionable principles. Theory is nothing! Action is everything! But power to execute does, however, come from healthy and sound theory.

• leverage excellence by liberating individual and collective talent
  The most frightening loss in sales people is the lack of personal talent and energy. What does it take to remove the barriers that keep individuals and teams from blossoming and bring out what they already have inside?

Conclusion

The highest form of influence is filled with purpose and consequently is the most rewarding and fulfilling kind of interaction. The most powerful influence always enters the scene when we work on the highest and third level:

Just like when children doing their chores are building a character more than doing whatever else they do, everything we do can have a higher, more rewarding purpose and lasting effect. Ask yourself: How can I influence others to achieve a more honorable objective? How can we influence influential people by not just selling to make a living, but mastering influence to make a life ...one person at a time?

Influence is energy. In turn, energy can be divided into three different kinds. The 3E blog is about The 3 Energies which explain the one thing that really matters - INFLUENCE.

						It's what you communicate between the lines that becomes the message. The people around you do not pick up what you say, but rather what you have deep inside. Indeed "we're spilling our guts all the time". If you're unaware of your own feelings and emotions, you're also unconsciously communicating what you didn't want to.

Everything you do - even some of what you say - carries signals between the lines and leaves indelible impressions. Maybe your intention was convincing someone of something, but more than reaching that someone with those convincing arguments, you always pass on to them "who you are". Every type of interaction during the day - every day - is simply constant branding of ourselves to our surroundings. Yes, whether we like it or not.'

The world around us does mostly not perceive us the way we view ourselves. Just think about last time you saw yourself on television. Was it awkward? And you know why, right? What can we do to send out what we need to communicate, and how can we make sure people indeed perceive it the way our message was intended? The answer is Passion - Connection - Intuition. Click any of the links to begin a fascinating journey discovering what influence is all about.

What you say, how you say it and when you say it is extremely important in sales. However, words and even details mean next to nothing if you don't understand what gives them power and meaning. Effective Influence is balancing three dialogs at the same time. Here's when words and technique begin to have the desired effect.

Traditional sales training focuses on words and techniques. That's all good, but it will not help much if words are spoken in a weak and failing context.

Effective influence is alligning and sending out corresponding messages on three levels.

Level 1

As we can see from the illustration above, there are three levels of communication. On the first level we position ourselves and make sure that our message is relevant and important.

Level 2

With a strong position and an important message it's easier to establish a good and meaningful relationship - with the right people.

Level 3

Words are a function of feelings and emotions. We interpret other people among other things by how we feel about them. If we have positive and warm feelings for someone, communication flows naturally and understanding is high. On the other hand, if there's conflict and unresolved emotions, words have less power and the risk of misunderstanding each other increases.

It only makes sense to pay attention to words and details (the Optimal Dialog) if you've first made sure the other two dialogs are in place, i.e. nurturing mutual respect (the Operational Dialog) and building a feeling of friendship (the Opinional Dialog).

If you want to truly connect with people and become influential, you need to master what we call the Opinional Dialog. A lot of sales people believe Connection is about building rapport. Well, it certainly is a lot more than that. How do we start connecting the right way?

In -- any type of conversation -- communication takes place on at least three levels. We refer to these three levels of communication as dialogs. For a conversation to be successful each of these dialogs need to be running in sync, i.e. they need to carry messages that are aligned with each other - they need to correspond. If they don't correspond, the other person will be hearing conflicting signals. When we send out conflicting signals influential power is lost.

One of these three dialogs is the Opinional Dialog, which is foundational to establishing efffective connections.

Three levels of communication each unleashing energy through which information flows

As the above model illustrates the Opinional Dialog is the type of dialog that makes up the second level. This means that it's dependent on the first level - the Operational Dialog - which precedes it. What does this mean? Simply put, one cannot really have a good second level dialog without having the first level dialog in place. Why?

...because the 3E levels deal with:

1. What both parties perceive about your POSITION (level 1)
2. Who you TRUST and who they TRUST (level 2)
3. How WORDS and SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES run in sync with position and trust (level 3)

Let's quickly illustrate with an extremely simplified example:

What you've just communicated to Peter may be heard and perceived by him as: "You're ranking higher than me - being equal to Bob, my superior. However, you consider me an important part of solving the problems Bob wants to have solved."

In other words, whatever you say after this may more easily allow you to establish a relationship with Peter because he's open and ready to listen. We're aiming for higher communication levels where it's safer to exchange feelings and honest opinions. That's the basic paradigm of the Opinional Dialog. It's where opinions are freely exchanged without manipulation.

Note the basic principle of how communication on one level necessarily precedes another.

To summarize: Operational Dialogs (level 1) lead to Passion, meaning it triggers a sincere interest and opens up the other channels of Connection and Intuition. Therefore, before Connection can be established Passion first needs to be in place. If we try to change the order, building a relationship of trust will be very difficult to do.

Asking WHO

The Opinional Dialog is about asking and working with WHO:

• Who has influence on (e.g. final decision)?
• Who needs what we have to offer?
• Who understands our message?
• etc

Once we've answered the WHO-questions we're ready to build a good relationship with the right people.

Next time I'll say more about the third level of communication where we move into HOW by more closely scrutinizing words and phrases. This is when language -- finally -- begins to matter. What traditional sales training usually tends to focus on as "the real deal", The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success merely lists as number three and of least importance.

Successful sales people deliver excellent results regardless of recession or not!

				I've been around long enough to see what makes the difference. Even though the market may be in an actual downward slope, some of us still deliver outstanding results. Why? It's not like throwing a paper plane, you know! "Oh no, the wind caught me. I no longer am in control!" Quite contrary to what most sales people expect, negative trends are just another opportunity to outperform the competition. How?

As a student years ago I majored in Finance and got my Masters degree in Influence Management, but this education makes little sense when everyone starts complaining about the market. I've witnessed great sales people drop like flies! The difference lies in knowing how to find business and then to maneuver in such a way that you become the most attractive alternative.

A year ago I wrote a blog post that introduces the subject of how the best sales people are flexible enough to adapt smoothly to circumstance. It will lead you to other blog posts that tell you more about how to be successful in spite of external conditions. It's not a secret!