Are you a successful person? That might be a difficult question to answer, and our response may vary depending on what we have in mind, too. At times we all like to think that we're successful. However, when we're at a low point, and everybody hits rock bottom sometimes, we may feel like failures. What is the true measure of success?

Success can be measured in many ways. Yet, if we are to go to the heart of the matter, it's really not that difficult. Success lies in people. Other people. Of course we can be successful as an individual, but essential to any success is our relationship with and dependence - or rather interdependence - on other people.

If other people is the deciding factor of success, then sooner or later we need to understand two most basic facts: 1) Each person is unique. Success is built one person at a time. 2) People require constant effort. We may have a great relationship with someone, but unless we respect and nurture the connection, the relationship will quickly deteriorate and become counterproductive and hurtful.

When I do training I always find one of the most rewarding moments when people begin to realize the power of one-on-one. In fact, I try not to highlight our company name too forcefully when in a training seesion. Why? Because, at a certain point during interaction, someone inevitably says something like this: "So what you're saying is - influencing one person at a time is much more effective than trying to convince two or more at the same time?" That's when it's fun to remind them of our company name.

The following quote is so fitting in this respect:

It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses. (Dag Hammarskjold, Past Secretary-General of the UN - quoted by Stephen R. Covey.)

When we concentrate on individuals we have a real chance of practicing long lasting influence. It is when true influence reaches one person at a time that the masses are set in motion through the ripple effect of "the one-on-one principle". One-on-one is the true measure of success!

Principles are often best shared by means of a story or analogy. Here's one that offers depth to the value of individuals and how the fruits of networking are but a fringe benefit of what really matters: Caring for others!

Once when a Lion was asleep a little Mouse began running up and down upon him; this soon wakened the Lion, who placed his huge paw upon him, and opened his big jaws to swallow him. "Pardon, O King," cried the little Mouse: "forgive me this time, I shall never forget it: who knows but what I may be able to do you a turn some of these days?" The Lion was so tickled at the idea of the Mouse being able to help him, that he lifted up his paw and let him go.

Some time after the Lion was caught in a trap. Tied down by strong ropes the Mouse heard the Lion's roar. Coming to its rescue and seeing the sad plight in which the Lion was, immediately it went up to him and soon gnawed away the ropes that bound the King of the Beasts.

When freed, the Mouse said to the Lion: "You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me no repayment for your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion."

From a sales perspective, Aesop provides us with a great number of lessons. Some of these may be:

• Never abuse power when you are in a position to do so. Only realize your position allows you to offer mercy you yourself need more than whoever you are offering it to.

• Never be intimidated by the power or authority of others. Only realize that some time in the future roles may be reversed.

• People have value regardless of who they are. Positions have no impact on success in the long run,

• ...but you never know who's who around the next bend.

• Ignore every indication of relative importance among humans,

• ...but maintain a clear view of how the world around you perceives rank and importance.

It is when you rise above, that you begin to grow your ability to influence influential people, becoming one yourself.

I found a charming multimedia presentation on the Lion and the mouse fable. Maybe you'll enjoy it as much as I did?

In June this year we began organizing what is now known as a worldwide group of Elite Sales Professionals. Today we are more than 1.000 high performers and a powerful group of competent people. LinkedIn serves as the initial connection and meeting point, but it will soon be complimented by smart online solutions. These solutions will allow members three basic privileges:

• An evolutionary collaboration model for tipping-point results
• A network of quality people to visualize business opportunities
• An online framework to innovate new money generation activities

The current group definition reads: "High performing sales people with experience in strategy and positioning, network and relations as well as pure skills and customer centric concepts such as innovation and product development. Trustworthy and competent professionals able to create value balancing people with business and money."

Once we've reached critical mass and the beta versions of the online solutions are in place, the Expert Panel behind this group will introduce a second round of qualification. This is when we'll experience the long planned "explosion" of the quality network we're only witnessing the small beginnings of today. Let me assure you; the Expert Panel is not without ambition with this worldwide undertaking! (And yes, the Expert Panel is yet to be formally introduced.)

The past two weeks Lillian and I brought our five kids far away to a warmer climate (...we live in Norway ;-). I left my computer at home and pretty much never touched my PDA or any other technical device. I guess that's good therapy for someone like me.

Yes, we had a wonderful time, but what I wanted to share is how regardless of holidays, sunny weather, money spent, or even the illusion of "more time at hand", none of these can add to what we already and always have with us; daily one-on-one opportunities with the most important people in our lives.

In breaking with regular routines, there was at least one thing we didn't change during our holidays, and that was regular one-on-one time with each of our children. I always spend Sunday evening visiting with them, one at a time. We share anything we feel like talking about. Most of all, it's a time when they know dad will eventually look them in the eye and simply tell them how wonderful and unique they are. Nothing in the world beats that moment of eye contact, calling them by name and sincerely from the heart express: "I love you".

"One-on-one is where the gold is found..."

Equally amazing are the hours immediately following such a prized experience. I can always sense a leap in self esteem and self worth. Conflict, if there were any, is gone. The atmosphere is one of increased harmony. There is a release of unparalleled energy. In my opinion, one-on-one is the single most powerful investment I know of. That's why, even though I have these opportunities every minute of the day, I actually schedule time to create this arena at least once a week. It's just to make sure that it happens regularly. I wouldn't miss it for all the world.

Applicable in all settings

Always remember, relationships are one-on-one. That's how they really grow and sprout. When one individual interacts with another - and it doesn't have to be in a perceived "private" setting per se - this is where the gold is found. This is where we can create mutual value. This is where energy starts and where it has the best beginning.

Keep in mind this principle next time you plan your week and days: How are you going to create effective one-on-one incidents with colleagues, customers and clients, as well as anyone you know you need to build a quality relationship with? If you do, you'll also be more alert and attentive whenever you have unplanned opportunities to nurture such a moment.

With very few exceptions, successful people are 100% dependent on others for what they seek to accomplish. Unfortunately, most people still think of selling as a one-man show. Nothing could be further from the truth.

A true win is a win-win. Everybody knows that by now. "Win-win" has almost become an outdated hype - a worn out buzz word. However, successful people not only help others succeed through win-win, but they also establish a powerful connection with individuals, which has great value by itself. How do we build such relationships? (Remember, we're not talking about superficial friendships, but emotional and mutually meaningful bonding strength.)

A small but important part of succeeding with others is proactive networking. Effective networking involves five key principles. Each of them is possible to execute in simple actions as listed:

Please note how each principle has a specific action listed (as an example) that illustrates how it's possible to execute in real life.

One tool only

With today's technological tools it's easy to end up using several platforms and utilities to maintain contact details of key people. If we want to make tools effectively serve us and not the other way around, then we need to consolidate and make them work seamlessly together or eliminate those who cannot be integrated. With contact details in more than one place we allow technology to set limits to how many people we can reach, especially long term.

Care about all

Always remember that key people are mostly found in surprising positions. Top executives are important through the role they fill, but we've found that they're seldom the most valuable contacts long term; when they lose their position they sometimes completely lose their "value" - at least through the eyes of a cynic.

Always remember that our basic perception of people shines through no matter what we say or do. If we truly care about people because people have value in themselves, then that's the energy and message that radiates from us. That's what our surroundings pick up and sense. We simply need to be authentic in caring about others and the world will return the favor when we most need it. We care, not because it pays off to care, but because everyone around us has equal value as individuals. (That's something cynical power fighters don't understand, maybe because they never really cared in the first place.)

Law of reciprocity

...means "what we do comes back to us". Notice that the action linked to this principle is "create value by connecting people and specifying opportunities that they share". You'll find that once you connect people, two causal effects often hit in:

1. You'll quickly become part of the potential business
2. People will return the favor and identify possibilities you yourself did not see

One-on-One

Few understand how complex human interaction really is. If you want to connect with people, one of the most basic principles to live by is to stay personal. Friendships are personal, they are what one person shares with another. If you include others, you'll increase the energy of the social setting, but you dilute the opportunity to exchange personal emotions and feelings. Of course we need both settings, but when it comes to connecting with others, one-on-one is by far the most significant arena.

Always available

Being dependable is being there when someone needs you. Frequently, human need will vanish as quickly as the need arises. This means, someone might need information at an instant, immediate advice or a supporting shoulder for which reason they contact you. If you're available, you become the solution - a valuable individual in their life, there and then. If you're unavailable, because the need is instant and "overwhelming", they will call on someone else. Being unavailable quickly becomes lost opportunities, that others pick up simply because they were approachable instead of you.

These five principles, coupled with "the actions that belong to them" are only but a fraction of what connection is all about. However, they are the essence of an effective networker. Do remember - networking is not down to technique; networking is about being sincere, loyal and a believer in "the good stuff" that's inside each of us... In one word, building TRUST!

I've done a LOT of sales training since my last post, and (unfortunately) a lot of traveling. As always, it has been a fantastic experience. Remember how I said last time: A student only benefits from training programs when they include the heart in the learning process. A trainer can "pound" on the door of the heart, but to actually open it is left to each candidate individually. (Selling is ultimately the same way.)

These past weeks I've again contemplated the power of this principle, and I just want to point out; there are only two types of candidates attending training out there:

1. They who take it to heart and experience the first amplifier (heart explosion)
2. They who will not include emotions and feelings and never gain the slightest bit of learning (only superfluously)

Note! A student can only experience "heart explosion" if the trainer possesses the quality of bringing the message to the heart in the first place. My claim is - very few trainers do!

Last time I promised to share the next two amplifiers following the first. I'll keep it short - that's somehow the beauty of this:

Influence is energy. If we want to reach another person with our message, we need power, and that power is nothing but energy! What is the very core of how a message becomes powerful? Did you ever think about that? Here's what we've found is the answer to this important question: "It's when we run it through the three amplifiers most easily available in one-on-one communication":

• The first amplifier is the heart (Energy # 1: PASSION). I.e. when the message passes through the heart it explodes and immediately (yes, automatically) flows out to hands and feet. We see immediate action. Ask yourself whether or not you've caused the first amplifier in someone else. Here's an easy test to evaluate how it went: Did they act immediately on what you presented them with? Did they become unstoppable? If not, then your message never made it to the first amplification

The 3E symbol for PASSION is the heart.

• The second amplifier is from heart to heart (Energy # 2: CONNECTION). This amplifier is the need we have to share from the heart how the heart explosion felt and what mental images caused it to take place. This sounds almost religious, and I admit it almost is. However, just think of it this way: The best way to test whether or not something really has been learned is if we're able to teach others the same. When this is done, not only is the learning curve extended, but the subject and material becomes ours. Ours to keep forever.

The 3E symbol for CONNECTION is a battery.

• The third amplifier is when we include intuition (Energy # 3: INTUITION). When we begin to apply adopted material in our own way, i.e. we incorporate principles and adapt skills to our own style and individual talent. In doing so, we stay open to inside and outside impressions and promptings.

The 3E symbol for INTUITION is a bolt of lightning.

Once we deeply study these three amplifiers - each one a direct result from each of the respective "3 Energies" - we'll discover how our message both penetrates AND causes permanent change in others. THIS is what selling (and training) is all about.

The hardest, most demanding "customer" to please and to satisfy has got to be those with whom we have the closest relationship, don't you think? Family; a brother, a sister, a spouse, a child or even a best friend. Only at this level can we really tell what kind of quality (sales) people we are. It's how we treat the individuals inside "our most private circles" that reveals who we truly are - and it can hurt at times!

Why is this? How come? There probably are a number of reasons why very close relationships are a hard sell.

One reason could be how our most private life reveals "vulnerability and weakness". Everyone has a bit of pride - deep inside - that somehow seeks to protect our total defeat or feeling of complete surrender. When our most tender faculties are exposed we feel a powerful urge to defend ourselves. When someone comes close enough we feel attacked and are often inclined to fight back with irrational behavior based on feelings and emotions. Ironically, this in turn only confirms our weakness and increases frustration.

Another reason why selling to family or friends can be hard is how sooner or later everyone - even the most perceived professional - is inconsistent in behavior patterns. When what we say is not in line with what we do, we automatically lose respect in the eyes of those around us. Close relationships experience this on a regular basis. This lack of respect causes words to lose power and influence, because words are only a function of feelings.

Still, more important than "why" is "what". It's true, it can be harder to please or sell to family or friends, depending on our true long term character. What's more important is what can we do to make the switch? How can we make a "sale" to the people with whom we have our most meaningful relationships?

Well, the secret is of course this: The toughest sale is potentially the BEST sale!

If we could, we should seek to make every contact and call a personal and meaningful relationship. Some people will respond to this by saying: "I make a clear distinction between professional and personal or private life". WRONG!

WHAT??! What does this mean?

Let me suggest what it could mean, and then you tell me what you think such a statement might imply: When all is said and done, basically what this boils down to is... "I cannot afford to open up to business contacts like I do with family and friends, because if I do they'll find I'm not only full of mistakes and lose respect for me, but they'll also discover how insincere I am by how I'm unwilling to work on my character, mistakes and weaknesses to make the needed changes".

Let me share one of my own deep flaws to illustrate:

I used to blame my parents for regularly being late when promising to pick me up as a young boy. The other day my wife called me and asked me whether I could pick up one of our oldest children after art class. I said I would, and then she added a warning: "Vidar, I was asked whether someone else than dad could do it, because he's always late". Ah! That stung so bad and so deep in my chest. So unfair, I thought. I've made EVERY possible effort to ALWAYS be on time. It stayed with me the rest of the day. That bitter feeling would not go. Then, an hour before I was to fulfill my important dead-on-time-appointment, I suddenly made a great discovery... I knew I had been a few minutes late the last two pick-ups. Even though with good reason, of course my behavior had been generalized and not forgotten. All the other times, when I had been on time, these times were all taken for granted. Of course that was unfair, but here's what I discovered: I had done the same thing with my own parents. Suddenly I was able to remember all the "forgotten times" when mum and dad had picked me up ON TIME. My heart sank and instantly changed from being judgmental to thankful for the wonderful patient parents I have - who were on time. Bitterness was gone.

How do you think I approached my child that evening? 'nough said - it was a great experience and a perfect "sell". However, more important than everything else - as a father (read: e.g. vendor) - I am more committed than EVER to deliver according to contract with regards to all my children.

I was speaking with my daughter the other day about how our thoughts automatically appear in our face. When we think good thoughts a pleasant and happy appearance naturally surfaces. If we think bad thoughts, they too are mirrored in our countenance. You may think it's "childish doctrine", but it's simple and a plain fact.

This basic principle holds true and carries weight and value in so many settings - one of which is communication. When we are sincere, it shows in our face. When we have passion, it reveals itself. When we get emotional, is shines through. What a great human trait this is. We can read each other in many ways, but most of all in our facial expressions, and above all by looking each other in the eye. It's as if the eyes are the soul at public display. Ouff! Great and dreadful, all at once. Scary in one way, because it exposes us as to who we really are. Exciting in that we can "read" and learn the true character of others.

I love the exercise of just observing other people during conversations - not too intensely, because that easily creates awkward feelings - but being very aware of the way we reveal ourselves through that most unique window - our eyes - to the outside world.

Consistent behavior over time will reveal our thoughts, our words, our action, our habits - our lifestyle. Everything is recorded and shows over time. Today, when you're interacting with others, try to perceive what maybe slipped your observations in the past. Look people in the eye. You'll see who they really are, because the eyes have it, and the eyes are what makes all the difference.

Do we have trouble looking people straight in the eye?

I just did another training session with a bunch of great sales people in Voss yesterday. One focus during this session was customer commitment, often referred to as 'the advance'. Complex sales typically have longer sales cycles, and what mostly suffers is how the client is not challenged to help advance the sale from visit to visit. If only the sales person is committed, then no real progression is made and a lot of time is wasted. Eventually the case is lost.

Here's a summary on how we help someone commit - be it a client, a colleague, friend or family member:

1. Never EVER enter a call without deciding beforehand what you want the person to do (both a maximum and an alternative minimum commitment).
   • Make sure the challenge is something that requires specific action.
   • Adjust your planned commitment if the conversation indicates you should.
2. Always focus the initial effort on nurturing a Born Buying Desire (BBD) through passion.
   • Are you convinced yourself?
   • Is your message important to the other person? Why? How do you know?
3. When positive vibes have become the main carrier of information exchange seek to establish Subjective Linkage (SL) through connection
   • Can you get the other person one-on-one, then do so!
4. Involve the other person in problem solving through the optimal dialog. Go for the Emotional Commitment (EC) when feelings are mutual.
   • Help the other person commit to a deadline.
5. Do not leave until you have received a firm commitment. If he or she will not commit, find out why?

The model in one of my previous blog posts illustrates how these steps are linked to our level of energy and sensitivity.

In short, here's a summary: Decide on a commitment, trigger a desire, connect and find out the agenda, make it emotional and end with a challenge. When we do it this way, we're affected positively ourselves also and both parties are happy. It becomes an uplifting experience that inspires action.

We've now posted a webcast introducing the source of "the 3 Energies" - how dialog (O®O) is linked to energy (3E). This is the result of 7 years of research. Watch it now!