Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.

									A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why? Because our behavior always reflects what we deeply believe. If we could indeed change another person, that other individual would in fact be part of us. With such a paradigm we begin to identify ourselves with that person beyond what is actually the case. The (unconscious) side effects of this mistaken perception causes dysfunctional behaviors like for instance:

1. growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
2. uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
3. undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
4. undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
5. ...and many other unfortunate side effects.

And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?

Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.

Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs

Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:

If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.

Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.

INTERNAL – Changing me

We change ourselves to influence others.

When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.

EXTERNAL – Influencing others

We influence others to change themselves.

Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.

And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.

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Are you able to quickly calculate the number of relationships there are in a group of people that all know each other? It's easy. But WHY would such a number, or the question itself, be of interest to you at all..?

						Relationships are one-on-one. The equation of human relationships is (n² - n)/2. So if you're in a group of 9 people that all know each other, there are (9² - 9)/2 = 36 relationships. Imagine the explosive nature of this equation as the number of people in the group grows. This principle is part of the secret behind the power of a human network. The more people you know, the easier you gain access to whoever or whatever it is you need. Networking makes life easier. Many of the challenges we're faced with on a daily basis can be solved through other people. To illustrate, let's imagine you had one or two people near you with unlimited resources. Would you not turn to them for help every so often? Of course you would. Well, it goes without saying, then, that the more people you know the closer you get to making such a scenario a reality.

However, let's consider an even more important aspect of this. The flip side. What if you were that person with unlimited resources? Two questions: 1) Would you not like to be such an individual? ...and 2) do you think people would come to you for help?

It is my experience that if we make building a network our lifestyle, people will increasingly come to us for help and (and this is the secret) present us with opportunities on the way. People presenting you with problems that need solutions are usually bringing you hidden opportunities.

HOW do you build a network? By constantly engaging yourself in three key habits:

• Be the best at what you do (PASSION)
• Seek out and build new friends (CONNECTION)
• Give more than you receive (INTUITION)

...but you have to make it a lifestyle. It's only by practicing Passion, Connection and Intuition daily that you become genuine.

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Influence is a desirable talent. It's that one thing that would pretty much solve every one of your current problems. It's your lack of influence that's the main reason for your biggest challenges - right now. You better believe it!

										You wonder why I'm so focused on influence as the single most important topic? Well, let's think about influence for a moment? To begin with, I believe you first need a deep conviction that “influencing others” is incredibly important to master before you make any real progress at all. (You need a strong and clear WHY, remember?) Then, and only then, will the subject really matter to you and be something you'll focus on as a separate talent one needs to develop. Ask yourself this question: Is my ability to influence others really that important?

For a moment, just lift your vision and view your own life in a bird's eye perspective. Consider every aspect of what you are trying to accomplish, as well as what you have tried to accomplish in the past and also what you will seek to accomplish in the future. Literally speaking, every problem, every project, every single endeavor small or great – the long and meaningful list of things you do and fill your life with... Does it not all begin and end with a relationship to at least one other person? It does, doesn't it? The relationship we have with the people around us is the very making or breaking of success – in every respect. You will have to agree!

Now consider every single important person in your life – see all of them in front of you – and ask yourself: Am I successfully reaching out in such a way that we are working towards mutual goals and objectives, giving me power to influence them? To the degree that you are influential, you'll be successful. To the degree that you are not, you will fail. It really is that black and white.

You may be thinking: “I may not be supremely influential, but I do have some influence on for instance my own daughter.” Well, then you'll succeed at least in part, but in no way will you be able to help her beyond the degree of your influence on her. Or you may say, I'm not yet interacting with and influencing the right or relevant people, but that's just another way of saying the same thing. Think about it. Be honest with yourself.

Success can have a wide array of definitions, but unless it somehow involves people or at least "someone else" it is has no real meaning, does it? What matters - long term - is the modeling influence you have on another person's life and actions. To learn more about influence, learn more about Passion, Connection and Intuition. which makes up the main ingredients or energies of Energation.

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The count-down has begun. On Thursday the 30th of Sep 3E is being published.

"The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" has the following message on the back of its cover:

								Success a Bi-product of Excellence In one form or another we all want something in life. That something or someone is how we tend to define success. However, success or what we get is only a bi-product of excellence. In other words, whenever we succeed it was because we reached an excellent or superior position in relation to what we want. Something happened that attracted the desired outcome, and that something is excellence. Therefore, what we really want is excellence; a state of mind or condition that naturally turns every surrounding force or person into an ally. Excellence on Three Levels The essence of excellence is effective communication on three levels. These three levels or energies dramatically affects your influence. We can influence people and circumstances, but it is by how we change ourselves that our capacity to influence increases. This will help you become a better spouse, father, mother, friend and neighbor. In short, 3E will not only enhance your sales talent, but also make you a better leader.

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Did you ever work on something you knew deep inside was a waste of time? Or maybe it seemed important there and then, but long term it proved to have little impact? Sure you have. I certainly have. It happens to all of us, and to a degree it's good we've been there to know what it feels like. It's not a good feeling, is it?!

Let's pinpoint something that's definitely not good. For analytical purposes, let's simplify our working hours and divide everything we do into three categories - in general:

1. Low impact - casual work effort (80%)
2. High impact - planned structural labor (20%)
3. Dramatic impact - great discomfort and pain (0%)

		Let's define the two first categories to begin with, and then look at the last one that's suffering. Low impact, i.e. "the casual work effort" comes to us all by itself. There is no need to plan or look for it. It's the list of tasks that the world assigns to us just to keep our head above water. High impact, i.e. "the planned structural labor" is the result of conscientious planning. It's the list of tasks we assign to ourselves to make sure we are reaching our goals.

80/20 Is an Excuse and Self Fulfilling Prophesy

Most of today's workforce spend 80% of their average time in low impact activity and 20% in high impact activity (yes, you've probably heard it before - 80% bring in 20% of the results and vice versa). However, these first two categories are dominant because it's what is expected of us, and sadly enough it's what we expect of each other, in total. That's why it's a well known pattern, but our own fault. Sad thing!

Of course, sometimes we do not work at all, but are on the phone with friends and family or are taking care of private matters. In this simplified analysis we class them as interruptions and we've left them out of the picture completely, as these activities are necessary to provide balance to our lives.

Taking Intelligent Action

We can, however, live and work more intelligently by taking a few simple steps. You see, if we want to move away from brainless living to take intelligent action, it will take a little more than just planning.

Moving beyond planning is done by taking regular time-outs to creatively think through our main objectives from a birds eye perspective, both individually and as a team. We do this by asking the basic WHAT, WHO and HOW questions to discover the stuff that will have dramatic impact on your business. These questions are so basic, they will bring you to the heart of the matter. Inevitably, you'll find that the suggested activities will mostly bring you "great discomfort and pain". In other words, you'll only do them if you are truly passionate about what it is you do. But, here's the magic: If you start doing them they will inspire Passion and more Intuition - a continuation of the process.

Surprisingly enough, if we listen to our intuition and act upon it, most of us know exactly what needs to be done, especially if you foster an atmosphere of openness and sharing. Silence and pausing is OK. But not only OK, reflection is extremely valuable. People need time to think and contemplate. Also, the more we act on intuition the stronger its guidance will become.

In Practical Terms

What really will make a difference is raising the bar by engaging everyone in a regular ongoing dialog to create a consensus aiming for a higher standard. For instance you might say; "Let's work smarter, and if smarter, maybe a little less..." Ask: "What will it take to make a dramatic difference, rather than a big difference, for which we're aiming right now?"

And where do you find the time to take such a time-out? By stealing from low impact activities. Typically I counsel our clients to get together during a Friday lunch or late Friday afternoon. That's where you'll usually find low impact activities, and a time-out like this usually is considered as fitting anyway. As a contrast, I would not typically engage in this type of dialog on a Monday morning. You probably see why..?

Thus, the real work is: 1) putting ideas down into writing and as measurable activities that will hold us accountable for results next time we meet and report, and 2) helping each other actually doing it - before we get "that other stuff" done which is less important, and really doesn't matter that much.

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Clients, just like small children and toddlers, have a crying engine that sometimes needs to run for a while before we reach the heartier matters - the stuff that really makes a difference and that defines customer needs. It's not necessarily logical, but it certainly is psychological.

Did you ever witness a child crying for a long time? And then, when you offer your comfort and help, the child is simply unable to stop crying for quite a while. Even several minutes after the crying has "officially" stopped, the child is still experiencing periodic and uncontrolled sobbing. This phenomenon is what I refer to as "the crying engine".

		Do You Remember? Of course, we've all been that child who cries, too, haven't we? Think about it; just how does serious and deep crying feel? Are you able to recall the feeling? When you're crying that intensely and that long the hurt is deep down. It's almost as if it slowly moves down from head and tears to the heart and chest. So much so that it starts aching and kind of stiffens your chest. Then, to bring yourself out of it again the pain needs to return the same way up. And it just takes time, doesn't it?

Crying Remains the Same

What does this have to do with influence and sales?

Grown-ups are experiencing much of the same feelings in many ways. We may not frequently let it all out in as easily a recognizable pattern as public crying, but the process and the pain is exactly the same. Effective sales people allow the client to go through that process - gently - both the growing awareness of pain moving down to the heart as well as the resolving of deep feelings of hurt and disappointment moving up and out. The concluding result is wonderful. The other person experiences great relief, which is a reward in itself, I feel! The bonus is that your odds of making a sale quadruples, if not much more.

Mind you, the old school of "problem and pain questions" is a solid and good one, but supposing that all customers need help like that is of course taking it much too far and will only lead to miscommunication in so many cases. This is one of several good reasons why of all the different sales systems I appreciate the flexible approach of "Helping Clients Succeed" by Franklin Covey so much.

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Of all self defeating behaviors, the worst stain must be the illusion of change - the fact that most of us remain in old and ingrown patterns and either don't know it or don't believe we do. Real change is slow, rarely found and a tough, honest and soul searching process when it occurs.

					Many years ago I studied the work of Robert E. Hardy on Self Defeating Behaviors (SDBs). Simply put, we tend to establish and maintain patterns, even those patterns that are self destructive. To begin with, that particular pattern or behavior served to help or protect us (which is why we established it), but when circumstances change and people mature, and because our approach is not principle based, it now hurts us, bars our way and keeps us from reaching new goals and higher levels of achievement. In other words, we hang on to patterns of behavior even though they don't treat us well.

Here's the bad news: We're all deeply entrenched in many self defeating behaviors. Most of them are hard to recognize. Many of them are difficult to admit to. Some are obvious and we hate to face them for what they really are. The good news is: We can eliminate SDBs, if we're willing to face them and deal with them.

Can you think of a self defeating behavior you're suffering from? How would you like to get rid of it?

						Well, there certainly is no quick and easy answer to such a big and important question. However, for the sake of briefly introducing you to what matters most and how you can make it happen for real, here's what you should be looking into: Change begins and lives with PASSION. Nothing else will last. You will succeed only together with others. Establish a CONNECTION with the right people. The most important answers are found inside yourself, so search your INTUITION.

These three; Passion, Connection and Intuition represent a proven process for change, improvement and greater influence in the lives of the people around us, just to name a few benefits. You want this. You may not know it yet. However, sooner or later you'll find that success in any area inevitably will bring you to visit each of these three areas. Why not apply simple wisdom and humility by learning more, right now?

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"If you tell me WHAT to do, I may do it for you. If you help me understand WHY I should do it, I'll want to do it and get it done, much better". The WHY makes all the difference. Why then, if WHY is so important, do leaders tend to forget its importance?

Every time I do training, coaching or any kind of work to improve a company's performance I see the same crucial principle at work: Unless individuals see and understand the WHY, no lasting improvement ever takes place. However, when WHY is clear, dramatic change can occur, sometimes even instantly and without resistance. WHY seems to be the redeeming element of effective training - the ultimate source of motivation.

A repeated flaw in leadership is forgetting to focus on individual perspective. When leaders try to make a significant difference, they mostly make their appeal to the masses. Thus, they forget that lasting change of habits and patterns is highly personal. We don't change groups of people as much as we change individual behavior. Help one person see the picture and you're well on your way to actually improve an entire organization.

I witness both types of leaders every day and it's fairly easy to spot the difference between them. When leaders are personal and stick to individual follow up they are able to move large corporations. When they don't, they fail and fail miserably. Stay personal. Work one-on-one as well as with the larger group. Inspire change in that one individual. When you win the heart of the one, it gradually opens the door to everyone else.

Make a Big Difference So if you want to make a big difference, at least three energies are indispensable to getting results. Each energy has a principle attached that guides our efforts in becoming a change agent among people:

(1) Ask WHY / WHAT

Action: Ignite Passion by going one-on-one => inner conviction.

Passion is the energy that makes a person unstoppable. It lights up when WHY and WHAT becomes clear. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Why am I doing what I do?" and "What am I about?"

(2) Ask WHO

Action: Make the Connection by executing plans together => shared conviction.

Connection is the energy that bonds us and causes us to succeed together. It brings a spark to every meaningful relationship when it becomes clear WHO matters most to us. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Who is most important to me?" or "Who will give their all to the same mission as I have?".

(3) Ask HOW

Action: Stimulate Intuition by allowing individual freedom => discovered conviction.

Intuition is the energy that brings out the best in us. It shows the way in much the same way as our conscience. Individual answers will come to each of us as we deeply ask ourselves "How should I do this?" or "How can I best apply my talents and my style to solve these challenges?".

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Regardless of what project you're in and no matter what your purpose or task might be, sooner or later we always end up asking ourselves: "Things are not going too well... what can I do to improve?"

I believe there are at least three basic questions we can always come back to and greatly benefit from. In my experience, every time I explore these three areas I reach new levels of understanding and conviction.

Get past that first hurdle yourself!								1) Am I passionate? What is my purpose? Do I believe in my own "mission"? Am I driven by pure desire? If I'm not, then what can I do or even adjust to reach such emotions? No passion, no change!
It takes two to tango!								2) Do I connect with others? Who among all are my key contacts and what's important to them? Does the way I interact with the people around me trigger their passion? What will it take to turn the lights on in my peers? No connection, no results!
What does your inner compass tell you?								3) What does my intuition tell me? What is the one and single most important action I could take today that would make an immediate and/or long term difference? What does my heart tell me? How can I apply my talents and my abilities to have a spreading effect? If I were to just be my best self, how would I go about making a serious difference? No intuition, no value creation!

So what?

Passion, Connection and Intuition each lead to three distinct levels of conviction. Passion leads to inner conviction. Connection leads to shared conviction and Intuition leads to discovered conviction. Here are three suggestions to how this can be applied - right now - today:

1. Increase passion by thinking
   • read inspiring literature - discover WHAT
   • then... take time to reflect and explore
   • then... take notes
   • then... make commitments and execute
2. Strengthen connection by interacting
   • spend time with inspiring people - discover WHO
   • then... take time to listen
   • then... take notes
   • then... make commitments and execute
3. Follow intuition by leaving your comfort zone
   • seek inspiring challenges and environments - discover HOW
   • then... look for opportunities
   • then... be flexible and accept the speed of the moment

And the best thing is, pick whichever area you'd like to start with. There is, however, a principle based order to these energies, as you've probably noticed: 1) ignite yourself, 2) ignite others and 3) ignite your surroundings. Try to cheat the order of this and you'll find you're up against a headwind. If you apply yourself to the process, you'll see, wind will start blowing your way.

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Whether you're a father, a friend, a boss, teacher, coach or even a lowly servant by formal definition, you're always serving and you cannot effectively do so unless you win the hearts of the people you are trying to reach.

			During our life we fill many different roles. Regardless of which role, in every setting we deal with other people. In fact, a role is exactly about just that: "Who am I in relation to you"? (See also Wikipedia to further explore the meaning of a "role".) On a daily basis, during training and coaching, I find that people are dealing with deep frustrations in the different roles they have. Why? Because they are trying to influence others without first having won their hearts.

You've heard it before... the old adage "I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care" sums it up. And even though it's that basic, even though it's common sense, unfortunately it's not common practise. Too many of us are consumed by our own agenda. This time, decide to make that basic change. Don't just read this. Make it happen!

Passion

Well, here's a challenge you will appreciate, and I will turn it into a conditional promise: You cannot win another's heart until your own heart is right. And a heart that is right is open to the vibes of another.

Connection

And what does this mean in practical daily living? Next time you're with another person bring yourself to really look that person in the eye. Then ask yourself, what does this person really want? If you feel uncertain you may even want to ask them.

Intuition

Thoughts will come to your mind - ideas will flow. Then, it's time to act, to reap the fruits of inspiration: Do whatever it takes to give it to them. And remember, the higher the cost and personal sacrifice it requires, the better it feels - for both of you.

And it's not just smart. It's life!

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