Have you ever felt misunderstood? Do you know why you were misunderstood? Was it because of what you said? Or could it be that the misunderstanding(s) occured due to feelings rather than words?
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Are words more than just sound moderated by our lips? If anything, what should we say, and how could we say it?
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There is nothing so hurtful as being totally ignored or misunderstood, is there? And equally devastating, being critized or scolded for something we said or did with the best of intentions. Let me share a quick story to make just that point:
| Thirty-five years ago I was a small boy running around in our garden. Then my friend next door and I made an interesting discovery. My dad had put in some new windows in the basement. We quickly found that if we threw a big enough rock at the windows it made a great sound and took on an interesting new shape. Little did I know that we did something wrong. I just thought it was a lot of fun.
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Lesson # 1: Our Internal Conversation Is What Changes Us
What a tragedy it was to me when I discovered what I had done. I had caused my dad pain, and I deeply wanted to make up for it. Now tell me, what would have happened had my dad responded with anger and a lack of respect for his four year old son? Would it have had the same impact on me? Not a chance. Why not? I believe our conscience and feelings are far more effective than words or even physical punishment.
Lesson # 2: Feelings Enhance Memory
I'm pretty sure this lesson would have been quickly forgotten had it not been for the sincere approach of my own father. But because he made me feel the consequences of my actions this experience is still with me today. His words had real meaning to me. Not only do these feelings serve as a reminder of what happened, but today (and forever) also as a constant guide to how I should pay the same kind of respect to my own children.
Lesson # 3: Mutual Respect Changes "Short Term Bad" to "Long Term Good"
What a powerful and long lasting example he set for me that particular day. Even more importantly, he turned a hopeless situation into a memorable teaching moment.
Lesson # 4: Communication Is Felt More Than Heard
Feelings outweigh words in every shape and form. If we do not feel favorable to another person, nothing that person says will ever have an effect on us. When it comes to communication, feelings are on a lower, more significant, level than words. Now ask yourself; could it be that there exists a level of communication that's even more important than feelings?
If ever there was a time to be excited, for me it's NOW! Get your tickets to attend my keynote session at Ibsenhuset in Skien on Thursday the 28th of April.
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Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
The count-down has begun. On Thursday the 30th of Sep 3E is being published.
"The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" has the following message on the back of its cover:
Today I watched an excellent clip produced by RSAnimate based on a talk by Daniel Pink. It describes some of the essence behind The WHY Questions: How people are driven by autonomy, mastery and purpose, rather than money when the task at hand is complicated, when it requires conceptual and creative thinking.
I recommend watching this 10 minute video. There's not a dull moment - promise!
Clients, just like small children and toddlers, have a crying engine that sometimes needs to run for a while before we reach the heartier matters - the stuff that really makes a difference and that defines customer needs. It's not necessarily logical, but it certainly is psychological.
Did you ever witness a child crying for a long time? And then, when you offer your comfort and help, the child is simply unable to stop crying for quite a while. Even several minutes after the crying has "officially" stopped, the child is still experiencing periodic and uncontrolled sobbing. This phenomenon is what I refer to as "the crying engine".
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Do You Remember?Of course, we've all been that child who cries, too, haven't we? Think about it; just how does serious and deep crying feel? Are you able to recall the feeling? When you're crying that intensely and that long the hurt is deep down. It's almost as if it slowly moves down from head and tears to the heart and chest. So much so that it starts aching and kind of stiffens your chest. Then, to bring yourself out of it again the pain needs to return the same way up. And it just takes time, doesn't it? |
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Crying Remains the Same
What does this have to do with influence and sales?
Grown-ups are experiencing much of the same feelings in many ways. We may not frequently let it all out in as easily a recognizable pattern as public crying, but the process and the pain is exactly the same. Effective sales people allow the client to go through that process - gently - both the growing awareness of pain moving down to the heart as well as the resolving of deep feelings of hurt and disappointment moving up and out. The concluding result is wonderful. The other person experiences great relief, which is a reward in itself, I feel! The bonus is that your odds of making a sale quadruples, if not much more.
Mind you, the old school of "problem and pain questions" is a solid and good one, but supposing that all customers need help like that is of course taking it much too far and will only lead to miscommunication in so many cases. This is one of several good reasons why of all the different sales systems I appreciate the flexible approach of "Helping Clients Succeed" by Franklin Covey so much.
"If you tell me WHAT to do, I may do it for you. If you help me understand WHY I should do it, I'll want to do it and get it done, much better". The WHY makes all the difference. Why then, if WHY is so important, do leaders tend to forget its importance?
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Every time I do training, coaching or any kind of work to improve a company's performance I see the same crucial principle at work: Unless individuals see and understand the WHY, no lasting improvement ever takes place. However, when WHY is clear, dramatic change can occur, sometimes even instantly and without resistance.
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| A repeated flaw in leadership is forgetting to focus on individual perspective. When leaders try to make a significant difference, they mostly make their appeal to the masses. Thus, they forget that lasting change of habits and patterns is highly personal. We don't change groups of people as much as we change individual behavior. Help one person see the picture and you're well on your way to actually improve an entire organization. |
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I witness both types of leaders every day and it's fairly easy to spot the difference between them. When leaders are personal and stick to individual follow up they are able to move large corporations. When they don't, they fail and fail miserably.
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Make a Big DifferenceSo if you want to make a big difference, at least three energies are indispensable to getting results. Each energy has a principle attached that guides our efforts in becoming a change agent among people: |
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(1) Ask WHY / WHAT
Action: Ignite Passion by going one-on-one => inner conviction.
Passion is the energy that makes a person unstoppable. It lights up when WHY and WHAT becomes clear. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Why am I doing what I do?" and "What am I about?"
(2) Ask WHO
Action: Make the Connection by executing plans together => shared conviction.
Connection is the energy that bonds us and causes us to succeed together. It brings a spark to every meaningful relationship when it becomes clear WHO matters most to us. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Who is most important to me?" or "Who will give their all to the same mission as I have?".
(3) Ask HOW
Action: Stimulate Intuition by allowing individual freedom => discovered conviction.
Intuition is the energy that brings out the best in us. It shows the way in much the same way as our conscience. Individual answers will come to each of us as we deeply ask ourselves "How should I do this?" or "How can I best apply my talents and my style to solve these challenges?".
Life will bring you dark moments. It hurts to go through them, but when you're proactive bright times will dominate your life and can in fact jumpstart your path to success. To a person in sales, with a lot of regular setbacks, this is an important lesson to be learned and can become a lifestyle that will make all the difference.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. Just terrible! In addition, I lost a major contract I expected to close. Everything I had scheduled was headed toward success.
However, not only did I fail miserably, but people and circumstances gave me clear feedback about mistakes I had made. If you're like me; I can live with failure because it's what success is all about, but making mistakes is ten times worse. It's personal and hurts more than failure.
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So I was feeling low!
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Did you ever find that when you look back on life, memories are mostly the happy ones. For some reason, most people tend to forget the dark moments, but savour the bright one's. In sum, all the happy moments appear to the mind as long and enduring bright times. (That's why we sometimes are inclined to think: "I used to be so happy, but now everything's so hard...")
So what can we learn from our ability to filter out the dark moments? How can this help us improve our lives on a daily basis?
Maintain Energy and Momentum
When you're experiencing a dark moment, accept it. Don't fight it. Strong and bad emotions are necessary opposites in a happy life. Let it pass by not making any serious or rash decisions. Close your mouth if you're tempted to take it out on the people around you. Listen more. Get involved in the lives of others and most importantly, retire early and let the body and mind rest it out.
Remember, late night moments are literally in the dark. If you retire early they will not last long. (During the night, your mind will be searching for answers and often find them, sometimes without you knowing it. Let the mind do the work for you.) In stead of extending the day - and the pain - by burning the midnight oil, rather choose to arise early and spend as much of your waking hours in the (day)light. It's a lifestyle that maintains your energy level and increases your momentum. The people around you will be surprised by your ability to get back up so soon after having taken such a serious beating, believe me!
Inevitably, dark moments will occur, however brief they might be, but bright times and feelings of happiness can and will dominate your life, now, not only in the past, if you want it to.
p.s. I'm well aware of chronic illnesses and serious depression, for which there certainly is no quick fix. What we're talking about here, though, is the tendency of any "healthy" person to sink into depression over matters that will evaporate if only you apply the principles outlined above.
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