All of us are into manipulation to some degree, especially when we run out of options to persuade others.

You may be thinking: "I'm not!" Yes, unfortunately you are, too. Every day! We even do it without knowing. Here's what happens and why.

Every day we encounter something we really want. It could be food, recognition, love, you name it – any unmet need out there, small or great. When we're in a situation where we feel we REALLY need something our brain begins to look for ways to reach our objectives. Or to phrase it simpler; when we want something we automatically look for ways to get it.

This drive to satisfy constant needs is so powerful, it takes place mostly in our subconscious mind. Thus, without knowing it, what we do from minute to minute is inspired by wanting something. (You may say: "I just want others to be happy". That too is wanting something.) Ironically, almost every little need involves people around us, in some way or another. Most of our needs are in fact met through interaction with others, i.e. a great deal of persuasive effort on our part takes place without us even being aware of it. We're actually engaged in selling or negotiating activity the majority of our waking hours, but we don't think of it that way, because we're not aware.

The tricky thing is, the more we want something the more emotional we tend to get. Emotions and feelings are by nature counterproductive to logical thinking. Feelings alone can cloud our reasoning and limits our ability to rationally interact with others. Feelings without logic represents an imbalance. Therefore, it is the ability to sense and truly understand the needs of others that tips the lever back in balance. When we see the world from the outside, we enable ourselves to return to logic, or rather to include logic. To be in balance we need both feelings and logic – emotions and awareness – a constant view of the inside and the outside. This is how our brain actually works. It has these two sides, but mastering both certainly isn't easy. Truly effective (PERSUASIVE) people apply brainpower to balance feelings and emotions (ENERGY) with logic and awareness (SENSITIVITY).

So why do we turn to manipulation?

Manipulation easily occurs when there's an imbalance between what we feel and what we perceive. For example, when we want something and only perceive a limited number of ways to get it, we sometimes allow our "overwhelming" feelings to overrule logical thinking. Even though we know it's wrong (our inner compass tells us so) we are convinced by the imbalance of emotions and awareness to justify cheating. Cheating could for instance be plain lying, withholding facts, raising our voice, tricking someone or putting on some kind of act etc. The ways in which we can cheat is an endless list.

How can we become a Principal of Clean Influence (PCI)?

The question is a big one, and the answer consequently important. I believe mastering "clean persuasion" – i.e. not manipulative – is a lifelong process. In fact, I believe it is life itself. Just think of it: What is the main concern of a dying man? In essence he returns to the naked baby he was when he entered life. His concern is what he leaves behind and what he brings along; both the right brain – love and emotions and the left brain – knowledge and awareness. What is the only thing that matters, the only thing that lasts, the only thing that makes a difference? It is that which guides and develops our persuasive abilities – how we channel energy in our loving and learning.

The hardest, most demanding "customer" to please and to satisfy has got to be those with whom we have the closest relationship, don't you think? Family; a brother, a sister, a spouse, a child or even a best friend. Only at this level can we really tell what kind of quality (sales) people we are. It's how we treat the individuals inside "our most private circles" that reveals who we truly are - and it can hurt at times!

Why is this? How come? There probably are a number of reasons why very close relationships are a hard sell.

One reason could be how our most private life reveals "vulnerability and weakness". Everyone has a bit of pride - deep inside - that somehow seeks to protect our total defeat or feeling of complete surrender. When our most tender faculties are exposed we feel a powerful urge to defend ourselves. When someone comes close enough we feel attacked and are often inclined to fight back with irrational behavior based on feelings and emotions. Ironically, this in turn only confirms our weakness and increases frustration.

Another reason why selling to family or friends can be hard is how sooner or later everyone - even the most perceived professional - is inconsistent in behavior patterns. When what we say is not in line with what we do, we automatically lose respect in the eyes of those around us. Close relationships experience this on a regular basis. This lack of respect causes words to lose power and influence, because words are only a function of feelings.

Still, more important than "why" is "what". It's true, it can be harder to please or sell to family or friends, depending on our true long term character. What's more important is what can we do to make the switch? How can we make a "sale" to the people with whom we have our most meaningful relationships?

Well, the secret is of course this: The toughest sale is potentially the BEST sale!

If we could, we should seek to make every contact and call a personal and meaningful relationship. Some people will respond to this by saying: "I make a clear distinction between professional and personal or private life". WRONG!

WHAT??! What does this mean?

Let me suggest what it could mean, and then you tell me what you think such a statement might imply: When all is said and done, basically what this boils down to is... "I cannot afford to open up to business contacts like I do with family and friends, because if I do they'll find I'm not only full of mistakes and lose respect for me, but they'll also discover how insincere I am by how I'm unwilling to work on my character, mistakes and weaknesses to make the needed changes".

Let me share one of my own deep flaws to illustrate:

I used to blame my parents for regularly being late when promising to pick me up as a young boy. The other day my wife called me and asked me whether I could pick up one of our oldest children after art class. I said I would, and then she added a warning: "Vidar, I was asked whether someone else than dad could do it, because he's always late". Ah! That stung so bad and so deep in my chest. So unfair, I thought. I've made EVERY possible effort to ALWAYS be on time. It stayed with me the rest of the day. That bitter feeling would not go. Then, an hour before I was to fulfill my important dead-on-time-appointment, I suddenly made a great discovery... I knew I had been a few minutes late the last two pick-ups. Even though with good reason, of course my behavior had been generalized and not forgotten. All the other times, when I had been on time, these times were all taken for granted. Of course that was unfair, but here's what I discovered: I had done the same thing with my own parents. Suddenly I was able to remember all the "forgotten times" when mum and dad had picked me up ON TIME. My heart sank and instantly changed from being judgmental to thankful for the wonderful patient parents I have - who were on time. Bitterness was gone.

How do you think I approached my child that evening? 'nough said - it was a great experience and a perfect "sell". However, more important than everything else - as a father (read: e.g. vendor) - I am more committed than EVER to deliver according to contract with regards to all my children.

I know sales people who, when they learn about the Emotional Commitment (EC), want this without paying the price to get it. The price to pay is a price to pay and it is first and foremost this: We need to be sincere.

What does being sincere mean?

Judging from the diagram and illustration on the process of reaching a solid commitment, sincerity is a three-step process to becoming truly sensitive:

1. First we need to know what we want
2. Then we need to understand what others want
3. Finally we need to stay objectively tuned in to outside impressions

Intuitively and quite naturally, most people instantly react to the above mentioned order by saying: "That can't be right! We first need to understand others, then we can seek to be understood." My response is: You're totally right. However, this is not about understanding first - it's about first knowing what we want. It's being aware of who we are, about having a mission and purpose - an identity. Without an identity we don't even have the internal security and perspective that it takes to begin the process of understanding others.

Someone trying to promote a product without first having true insight into oneself (e.g. the product or company), can never progress to step two of understanding others. This is true in both a micro or macro perspective. HERE is the main flaw and where most sales people fail. We get it wrong from the very beginning by promoting something we're not convinced about ourselves. It's almost like being without mission and purpose. Only when done in the right order can we become truly caring for others and sincere in our interaction. This sincerity is what ultimately makes it possible to interact with others in such a way that we can reach an Emotional Commitment (EC). If we're not sincere, hypocrisy will inevitably surface. The subconscious picks it up instantly and we fail.

And by the way - all of this relates to not only selling, but every aspect of life; a happy marriage, teaching children, management, politics etc. I'll say it again: First we need passion, then we seek connection. These two precede the ability to innovate by the power of intuition touching the inside and most personal level of others. That which stimulates deep ownership to a commitment - emotional commitment!

Check out my previous post where I've included an illustration of what an emotional commitment is about and how it is reached. Today I want to point out what I believe should be the ultimate objective in EVERY sales call.

Our main goal is not to trigger an interest only, neither to only tie the customer's needs to the product or service - our goal is not even to connect with subjective needs. We can do more and we should do more than that. We need to reach the point of emotion that exceeds the mere fulfillment of a personal need, but also a personal emotional desire. We need to reach the feelings of others - to touch values - the emotional level. This is what triggers energy. Let me illustrate with an experience - this time not directly sales related, but which explains what I mean:

Some time ago management was discussing opening a new office in another continent - other side of the globe - far away. I challenged one of my colleagues to be responsible for opening this office and region. It involved a major change and a lot of work - no easy commitment. As we discussed some of the details of how we should proceed passion became the essence of the discussion. Once I felt we were on the same wavelength I took the conversation to the next level by seeking to establish a connection between personal objectives and the job at hand. Not really hard to do (you know the drill). When everything was pretty much in place, I began digging for emotions: "How do you feel about leaving your colleagues and be on your own like this..?" (A potential concern I sensed was there.) The dialog dramatically changed. The questions themselves were not magical, but the previous build up of the conversation made them powerful. We now began sharing personal stuff - heart aches, feelings, frustrations and over time new ideas. A few tears were shed on both sides and our commitment to actually do this and succeed tripled, and then some.

This is emotional commitment. In short: Every effort made in sales should aim to move closer to an emotional commitment. Mostly it takes time, but it's the most powerful kind of dialog. It doesn't need to involve crying, but everyone knows when feelings and the emotional level is reached. THIS is when we release maximum energy in both parties - you and me.

The ability to shed a tear in behalf of someone else is growing rare these days, but probably among the key characteristics of true greatness. The degree to which we maintain or increase our sensitivity is a deciding factor to real influence.

Every so often all of us encounter people who appear arrogant and somehow insensitive. Without exception we also find they have limited positive energy. Positive energy can only grow if we grow in our ability to feel for others. Please consider the illustration below. Influence comes with energy, but energy is irrevocably linked to the degree of sensitivity. If we're unable to sense the feelings of others, we'll never reach higher than the first level of energy. Unfortunately we find a lot of professionals able to excite others, but it very seldom goes beyond that point. Why? Because they are consumed with self.

If we want to reach other people we need to exert strength and attention beyond our own world of concern. In other words, we need to put ourselves in the shoes of others. The popular term for it is empathy, but empathy is limited by the word itself. In the diagram we can see how empathy ("others") is but half way. If we want to reach energation and really strong commitment in others we need to move beyond empathy and become one with the shared reality around us - "external perception". This is when we tune in to outside impressions that allows us to become emotionally involved and mutually affected.

What do we do if the other person has feelings and has gone through hardships beyond what we ourselves have experienced? Is it possible to understand and empathize, when this is the case? The answer is "YES". If we do what is required to reach higher energy levels, we'll also be able to understand pain we didn't suffer ourselves. It's true! and it makes life richer to live. However, most of us are unwilling to do so because it causes us to share the distress of others. It hurts.

So what does this have to do with selling? Everything! Most sales people make their sales on the first level (see diagram). They'll get commitments and sign contracts based on passionate behavior, but the sale doesn't mean anything to them more than getting their paycheck and bonus. Just take one minute - think through all the contracts you signed with clients. Which ones do you remember? Which of them leaves you with positive feelings? If there are any, it will be those where you engaged yourself on the personal side and received reciprocally - the same feelings were exchanged. You built a relationship. You reached stronger commitments and harnessed greater value.

When we consider the balance between energy and sensitivity a lot of questions are answered and the sale becomes easier and more enjoyable. We practice SBP = SPP ;-)

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A number of years ago I was in charge of selling a major IT solution to an important account. Every person involved on the customer side was in favor of our solution. Even board members were completely sold on what we had to offer. When the decision was to be made I was surprised by a new-hire that was assigned the role of decision maker. His mission and purpose was to make sure everyone could feel his power and authority. As a result his best option was to oppose what everyone wanted and opt for a competing solution. Reason and logic was thrown out the window. The chosen solution became a tool to reach other objectives than what the solution was meant to do for the organization. From this I learned an important lesson:

The decision maker is king and ultimately the only person whose feelings really matter. However, every so often the decision maker is not the one with the strongest energy tied to the final outcome. If we want to win business we need to know who has the most feelings tied to what is going to happen as a result of what we offer. This will point out which one of the stakeholders is most effective in affecting the outcome.

Even the most complex sales are about the feelings of the individual. Every decision is the sum of all feelings in an account. All people with influence on the end result will have a private agenda. That private agenda is subjective, and the subjective view of each person is tied to feelings. Let no one tell you anything else. If every person that's involved in the decision feels good about what you're proposing, then you can forget about the rational and objective reasons working against you.

Feelings always precede commitment. In complex sales every contract is the result of a shared commitment signed by the decision maker. To get to this commitment one type of balance is critical, and it's a balance that is superior to everything we do in sales - always - the balance of sensitivity and energy.

Sensitivity is 50% of who we are in communication. It's about being aware of energy. It's about being a receiver of energy. It's the filter through which we pick up and perceive information.

Energy is the other 50% of who we are in communication. It's about needing and looking for sensitivity. It's about finding a receiver of energy. It's information and the driver of information itself that always penetrates depending on the sensitivity of the receiver.

We need both. How these need to be balanced is what I'll share next time ;-)

Last Saturday I spoke to a large gathering of people in the financial sector. The place was packed. I was impressed by how they returned my vibes. The room was truly filled with some unspoken energy. It was visible in the eyes of each one. Everyone could sense it. Don't you love it when a crowd carries you through a keynote session like that?

By the end I had people asking me about specific cases in which they would like to apply the 3 Energies (3E). They experienced what I call a Born Buying Desire (BBD). It happens when our inside passion is triggered - when mind and heart begins to run in sync - when energy and sensitivity are both increasing and in balance. These are the first fruits of passion and are critical elements for any public speaker to be aware of. However, the BBD is but the first step and only the beginning.

To me it's always disappointing to see how most speakers are satisfied with just the Born Buying Desire (BBD). When they're in front of their listeners and get some kind of enthusiastic response, they feel they've achieved their objective. How long do you think that feeling lasts inside them? Do you want me to tell you?

The Born Buying Desire is not the object nor the end. Why? BBD has no lasting effect unless an individual commitment is tied to it. In my experience the BBD pretty much follows normal retention rates, i.e. it depends on how much you've encouraged participation. This means that a good keynote is both forgotten and has lost its emotions within an hour, regardless of how much energy was exchanged. What's left is not enough to inspire action, unless a commitment is made while the mind and feeling is still there.

Here's what we need: No public speaker should ever leave their listeners without challenging each individual participant to some kind of specific action related to the subject. Ideally, we should establish Subjective Linkage (SL) and Emotional Commitment (EC), but unfortunately few know how to do so. Why is that? Because most speakers are not responsible for the follow up and results of what they started.

No sale nor change in behavior occurs without follow up on the BBD level. Next time you're in charge of a keynote session, always ask beforehand how it will be followed up, to make sure you indeed will influence your students, not merely generate a temporary desire.

I rest my case ;-)

I just did another training session with a bunch of great sales people in Voss yesterday. One focus during this session was customer commitment, often referred to as 'the advance'. Complex sales typically have longer sales cycles, and what mostly suffers is how the client is not challenged to help advance the sale from visit to visit. If only the sales person is committed, then no real progression is made and a lot of time is wasted. Eventually the case is lost.

Here's a summary on how we help someone commit - be it a client, a colleague, friend or family member:

1. Never EVER enter a call without deciding beforehand what you want the person to do (both a maximum and an alternative minimum commitment).
   • Make sure the challenge is something that requires specific action.
   • Adjust your planned commitment if the conversation indicates you should.
2. Always focus the initial effort on nurturing a Born Buying Desire (BBD) through passion.
   • Are you convinced yourself?
   • Is your message important to the other person? Why? How do you know?
3. When positive vibes have become the main carrier of information exchange seek to establish Subjective Linkage (SL) through connection
   • Can you get the other person one-on-one, then do so!
4. Involve the other person in problem solving through the optimal dialog. Go for the Emotional Commitment (EC) when feelings are mutual.
   • Help the other person commit to a deadline.
5. Do not leave until you have received a firm commitment. If he or she will not commit, find out why?

The model in one of my previous blog posts illustrates how these steps are linked to our level of energy and sensitivity.

In short, here's a summary: Decide on a commitment, trigger a desire, connect and find out the agenda, make it emotional and end with a challenge. When we do it this way, we're affected positively ourselves also and both parties are happy. It becomes an uplifting experience that inspires action.

You want to convince someone and get a commitment? Here's where it starts:

Now that I've covered 2 out of 3 results (or fruits) coming from energation, I have people asking me about the third one, too. In fact, since we began with the end in mind, here's the first one - the Born Buying Desire (BBD). See also the visual illustration found in the previous blog post.

BBD is just what it says, "the born buying desire that results from passion (not just faked artificial enthusiasm) and all that it includes". Since examples are always so much easier to appreciate than a bunch of abstract explanations, here's another personal story - this time about one of the times I seriously failed:

I was once delegated an important speaking assignment representing the President of a huge organization. At the time I was very busy. Life was hectic, the schedule packed with pressing issues, several inexperienced individuals demanded my personal and emotional attention and before I knew it I was being introduced as the main speaker and on my way up to the stand. On a normal day I would have taken a few notes and spent some time thinking about what I was about to say. However, my trust rested with the notes I had received the preceding day. I had heard the speech before. My task was simple - I thought - I just needed to copy the success of the author, the President himself. After all, the power is in the message, I thought, as I made my final steps to face the waiting crowd.

Boy, was I mistaken! The average listener probably got the idea, it came out all right, but it was such a disappointing experience for me. There was no passion or energy. I wasn't behind what was being said. The words were from someone else. Though interesting and important they didn't carry the same power or effect in that big room. Loud speakers didn't help a thing. Actually, the sound system only reinforced my failure to spark that vibrant resonance - those vibes we all know so well.

Only two of those present had heard the same speech by the president himself, and I knew they were disappointed. They knew the difference. I knew the difference. There and then, I decided to never let down my audience again by speaking without passion.

Passion is not equal to enthusiasm. Not at all. When we have passion it's possible to speak quite "normally" without having to make big gestures, speak too loud or appear "psyched up". With passion we can even whisper and the vibes are still there! Before any public speaking assignment I'm always deep into the Operational dialog with myself. People may not see it, but it almost automatically happens. I do so because THAT's what inspires and frees that needed form of energy. If I take notes, it only serves to help me strengthen the passion that's already there, but notes remain secondary. Without passion, notes are worthless.

Every successful communicator knows about the Operational dialog - the conversation (either internally with self or others) that gives birth to the buying desire - the first of three steps to foster real commitment in others. It needs to be applied in every setting where we aim for a commitment of some kind. The Operational dialog is the commitment of self that precedes the commitment of others.

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The highest level and strongest way in which we tie someone to a promise is Emotional Commitment (EC), the result of energation. Most of the time, people instantly think they understand and therefore perceive this as being "fairly straightforward", and I wish it would be! However, to get this kind of dedicated promise from someone we need to understand energation - the means by which we reach this level of dedication in others.

Emotional Commitment (EC) doesn't just happen by chance - it needs energation as its "engine" to drive it forward. Energation itself hinges on two basic capacities:

1. Sensitivity
2. Energy

To be specific, this means:

1. how sensitive we are a) to self, b) to others and c) to external impressions
2. the energy driving a) our behaviour, b) our relationships and c) revealed problem solving

When sensitivity and energy are balanced we move communication in the direction of energation, or rather, we "energate". This means we move the dialog, balancing energy and sensitivity, in a growing degree of mutual dedication through three levels:

The first level of (customer) dedication is the Born Buying Desire (BBD). The second level of (customer) dedication is the Subjective Linkage (SL). The third level of (customer) dedication is the Emotional Commitment (EC).

Today I'd like to share a quick story to illustrate how BBD and SL precede Emotional Commitment (EC), which is the third and crowning fruit of energation:

I was once involved in providing a major ERP solution to an industrial corporation. They had accepted my invitation to come visit and present what we had to offer (a BBD had been triggered). As the meeting progressed we began to discuss and share how several of the key people in the project were heavily affected by weaknesses in the current information systems. They spent way too much time at the office and were unable to put work behind them when they came home. Their family life was suffering and many other personal matters were also put out in the open (SL was beginning to take effect). At this point we moved into a discussion of how the new solutions should be applied to solve these problems. A stack of suggestions triggered new thinking and ideas from the client that even I had never thought about or seen as possible. These discoveries on the client side caused ownership to grow minute by minute. At the end I was asked to fulfill a number of commitments and any action I needed from them was eagerly accepted. It had become their project and in their interest more than mine (EC).

The Emotional Commitment is where follow up is turned around. Before we get to follow up the customer by the specified deadlines, the customer calls us to make sure we're doing what we're supposed to, making sure we stay on a steady course to contract and delivery. This is what we want! It's commitment on an emotional level.

Finally, a warning. Whenever energy and sensitivity is not balanced, i.e. when either energy or sensitivity is too high or too low, negative energy immediately surfaces. The outward expression or evidence of this is some kind of rejection - what I call "malfunctioning dialog". For a visual illustration of this absolutely critical balance see the diagram below, taken from "The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success".